


All I Need

by dreamon365



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-04-25 23:58:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4981783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamon365/pseuds/dreamon365
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>First story. Mostly (entirely) fiction. Flashbacks are in italics. Thanks for reading!</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning of the End

**Author's Note:**

> First story. Mostly (entirely) fiction. Flashbacks are in italics. Thanks for reading!

The sound of the clock ticking was driving her crazy. Every 30 seconds she would look around, her knee bouncing up and down with anticipation. She glances at the clock again, 2:55. The last five minutes were going to be the death of her. She knows she’s upsetting Ali with her fidgeting.

 

She feels a hand on her knee, immediately feeling at ease, pausing her nervous bouncing for a moment. “Hey. Stop.”

 

Once Ali moves her hand back to her own lap, Ashlyn’s knee resumes bouncing. Ali’s touch has always had that effect on her. In this case though, she knows that her body betrayed her and Ali wasn’t looking to comfort her at all. She looks around; at the office her and Ali are sitting in and wonders how they got themselves here. She never thought this would be their life.

 

Ashlyn thinks back to the day she first saw Ali.

 

_She had been called up to national team camp in 2010, and had been a little too excited about getting the call that she arrived to the hotel for check in 3 hours early. She was finally going to meet all the women she had looked up to for the past couple years. As she sat waiting in the hotel lounge for the coaching staff to arrive so she could get her room assignment, she saw a blur of a girl rush by her and then immediately disappear. Ashlyn was intrigued to say the least so she took her final sip of tea, put down a ten-dollar bill, and made her way to the lobby. There she saw the girl that had rushed in in a frenzy lying face first on the floor, crying._

_“Uh, excuse me…Miss?” Ashlyn says trying to get the girls attention. The girl is breathlessly sobbing, a mess of brown hair strewn about covering her face._

_Ashlyn leans down resting a hand on her back. She feels it then. The girl immediately looks up, horrified._

_“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I was just late getting to the airport in Germany that ended up being delayed anyways. Then while I was sitting in the airport my brother called me and told me that he just broke up with his boyfriend and was thinking about having a drink. Then, I didn’t sleep a wink on the airplane. I’ve been up for a solid 36 hours straight." She puts her face in her palms and breathlessly mumbles out, "and now I’m rambling my problems off to a complete stranger. I am so sorry.” She rubs her face with her palms, trying to rid some of the tears that have streaked her face. The girl starts to stand up but her leg is caught in the handle of her suitcase. As soon as she starts to fall, Ashlyn reaches out and wraps her strong arms around the brunette. She stabilizes her and reaches down and untangles the brunette’s leg from her suitcase._

_Ashlyn stands back up, straightening out her shirt and flipping her hair behind her shoulder. She looks up to meet the brunette’s gaze. She is looking at Ashlyn with her mouth slightly open in awe. Her eyes are slightly puffy and red from crying and her nose is running a little, but Ashlyn knows that this girl is the most beautiful woman she has ever seen. Ashlyn ducks her head slightly and looks back up with a dimpled smile, “Hi, I’m Ashlyn”, she says extending her hand to the brunette._

_“Hi Ashlyn, I’m Ali.  I don’t know what I would have done if I had ended up on the floor again. I probably would have just stayed there crying, not caring who came by and saw me.” Ali says with a nonchalant shrug._

_Ashlyn looks at Ali and chuckles slightly, “Maybe the second time you could have stuck the landing a little better”_

_Ali looks at her in disbelief, “Oh, you’ve got jokes? We just met and you’re already making fun of me?”_

_Ashlyn shrugs, “It’s just my nature. If I don’t mess with you it means I don’t really like you.” She winks for good measure._

_Ali just stares at her with her cinnamon eyes, not saying a word, and Ashlyn knows she’s done for._

_Once Ali doesn’t say anything for about a minute, Ashlyn shifts uneasily on her feet and mumbles out, “In all seriousness though, I’m sorry that you’ve had such a long, rough day. It was very nice to meet you Ali, and I hope your day gets better.”_

_Ashlyn begins to walk away, but she feels a tug on her hand. She turns half way around to see that Ali has a hold of her hand and while looking at her feet mumbles, “Would you like to grab a cup of coffee or tea? In all my haste I actually ended up here 2 hours earlier than I needed to be..”_

_Ashlyn looks at Ali, whose eyes are still very interested in her shoes it seems. It clicks in Ashlyn’s head who Ali is and asks, “Ali? Like Ali Krieger?”_

_Ali finally looks up, with a confused look on her face, “Yeah, how do you know who I am?”_

_Ashlyn looks at her amused but sticks her hand out again, “Ashlyn Harris, goalkeeper. Looks like we will be spending the next couple weeks together.” Ashlyn grabs Ali’s suitcase and begins to walk back towards the lounge. “Now, lets go get that drink and you can tell me all about your long day. I’m an excellent listener over a cup of tea.”_

_When the coaching staff got there it turned out that Ashlyn and Ali were roommates and would spending a lot of time together. They became fast friends, and did almost everything on and off the field together. Ashlyn fell hard and fast for Ali. She knew that this girl was it for her, but she didn’t want to ruin the chances of their friendship just yet. Much to Ashlyn’s dismay Ali was an over sharer, which meant that Ashlyn heard all about the guy Ali was seeing on and off in Germany.  This reaffirmed the instinct that Ashlyn would just keep her feelings to herself. She rather have Ali in her life as a friend than not at all._

_Camp went by smoothly, but in the end, Ashlyn didn’t make the cut and would go back to her WPS team, and Ali would go to play in the qualifiers for the Olympics._

 

The receptionist stands up, her chair screeching across the wood floors, pulling Ashlyn from her memories, “Mrs. and Mrs. Harris? The doctor will see you now.”

 

Ali stands up and walks out of the waiting room. Ashlyn reluctantly follows her wife of 7 years.


	2. Orlando

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading the first chapter! Same notes as the first, flashbacks are in italics.

The room is oddly cold, which is saying something for the 100-degree day they were experiencing in Florida. If it had been any other situation, Ashlyn would have complemented the décor. The sleek grey walls and mid century modern accents clad the room she and Ali sit in. They are sitting on a couch across from a woman who can’t be much older than they are. Their good friend and teammate Abby referred them to Dr. Evans. From the degree on the wall Ashlyn can see that she got her doctorate at Tulane in New Orleans.

 

“So would you like to tell my why the two of you are here?”

 

Ashlyn looks up at the Doctor and wants to know the answer to that question herself. She doesn’t know how she and Ali ended up here, in marriage counseling.

 

Ashlyn looks over at Ali and but Ali is just looking dead ahead.

p> 

Ali doesn’t make any move to speak, so Ashlyn starts, “We, um, well…we…I don’t know really where to start.” She fumbles nervously with her hands. Twisting her fingers together.

 

“Why don’t you start by telling me when you first noticed there was a problem” Dr. Evans says.

 

Ali startles Ashlyn by speaking up quickly, “Yeah, hun. Why don’t you tell her”? Sarcasm and annoyance laced in her voice.

 

Ashlyn stares blankly at Ali; unable to form the words she knows her wife is dying to hear.

 

“Ashlyn?” Dr. Evans questions.

 

“Yeah..?” Ashlyn asks, not even really hearing anything just Ali talking to her, finally.

 

“Did you hear my question? Or What Ali said?” Dr. Evans asks, jotting something down in her notebook.

 

Ashlyn looked tentatively at Ali, knowing the real start to their troubles, “Do you want my answer? Or the one I know she thinks is the answer?” Ashlyn gestures to Ali. “I guess the easy answer is it first started when we moved here.”

 

_It was the fall of 2015 and they were coming off their high from winning the World Cup. Everything was going really well. Ali was being more open about their relationship, they had endorsement deals and promotional gigs lined up for ages, and they were finally able to maybe relax. The only down side to the whole fall was loosing a shot at the NSWL championship._

_That’s when Ashlyn thinks it really started._

_She remembers going home that night, after loosing the game, and just crying._

_All she wanted to do was curl up into Ali and just wallow for a while, but Ali was in Virginia still at her Dads wedding. She needed the love of her life. She needed Ali._

_It finally hit her that the season was over. She just wanted to feel what Ali felt in the World Cup, winning something she actually earned, played for. She couldn’t help but feel like she got cheated when they handed her a medal on that platform in Canada. Ashlyn finally drifts of to sleep, tears crusting her eyes and staining her pillow._

_The next day, Ali meets her at the airport to pick her up. She sees her with a sign reading “Brick Wall”. That makes Ashlyn smile for the first time since loosing yesterday._

_When Ali reaches Ashlyn she wraps her in a big hug, not caring who notices. The blonde treasures moments like these. She inhales Ali’s scent and melts into her touch._

_“Babe, you don’t know how much I needed this yesterday” Ashlyn mumbles into Ali’s hair._

_Ali pulls back slightly, running her hands through the blondes hair, “You played your heart out yesterday. No one out there played better than you. I watched the whole thing, and you should see what people are coming up with on twitter!” Ali gushed. “It’s honestly kind of impressive”, she added with a sly smile._

_Ashlyn pulls back, grabbing her bags, and wrapping an arm around Ali’s waste and leaning into her side. “Oh really? I haven’t even wanted to look at any of that since yesterday..”_

_On the way to the car, Ali notices that Ashlyn has gotten really quiet again. She isn’t being her usual sarcastic, flirtatious self. When they find the car in the parking garage, Ali grabs Ashlyn by the waste and pushes her up against the car._

_Taken aback by Ali’s boldness, Ashlyn tries to get out of the brunettes hold. “Babe, people are going to see. As much as I’d like to do this here, we can’t.” Ashlyn wiggles a little more, but she forgets sometimes how strong Ali really is._

_Still holding her tight against the car, Ali leans in really close and whispers, “We aren’t doing anything, but I want to know what you did with my girlfriend. You normally wouldn’t care, especially since we are actually in a pretty secluded area.” Ali looks around to prove her point. There is no one around, and even if there was, they were in between two cars. No one could see them._

_Ashlyn looks to the ground, she knows Ali knows there is something deeper going on with her. “I think I need a change.”_

_Ali pulls back, tears already threatening to spill out. Ashlyn notices and grabs her waste and pulls her closer, “No, no! Babe, that’s not what I meant. I love you. You are the love of my life and you are it for me. You know that.”_

_Ali wipes her eyes quickly, “Then what do you mean, because you’re scaring me.”_

_Ashlyn looks down, “I think I want to go play for the new team in Orlando.”_

 

They leave Dr. Evans office and head to their individual cars. Ashlyn is the first to speak when Ali reaches her car first.

 

Throwing her keys between her hands, “Are you going to stay with your mom again?”

 

Ali looks up at her, “Yeah, I think that would be best. You can go home. I already got what I needed. There’s no need for you to stay at the apartment in the city. I know you’d be happier near the beach anyway.”

 

For the first time in what seems like forever, Ali seems sincere. She’s seems concerned about Ashlyn’s happiness.

 

Ashlyn lets a weak smile creep across her face, “Thanks. I guess I’ll see you the same time next week?”

 

“Yeah, thanks again for agreeing to do this. I know how nervous you get doing these kinds of things.” Ashlyn opens Ali’s door and Ali slides into the driver seat.

 

“Drive safe, I love you.” Ashlyn squeaks out.

 

“I’ll see you next week Ashlyn.” Ali closes the door, and drives off.


	3. Southbound feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ali's take on things. A bit of a longer chapter too!! Thanks for reading!

Ali looked up to see Ashlyn close her door and gave a faint smile. She made her way out of the parking lot, down the road and to the highway. She turned her car south and headed to Miami to stay at her mom’s house. She only made it one exit on the highway before she had to exit. She pulled into a diner parking lot and cut the engine on her car.

Tears are burning down the brunette’s face, mascara running along with it. Ali feels like she can’t breathe. She sits there, taking short, quick breathes. Gripping the steering wheel tight, knuckles turning white. She opens her car door, swinging her legs out and putting her head between her legs. She tries to calm her breathing but something else hits. Nausea. Ali spreads her legs wider and empties the contents of her stomach onto the gravel surface.

Groaning, she leans into her car to look for a napkin or something to wipe her mouth.

“Excuse me, ma’am? Are you alright?” A voice startles Ali and makes her whip her head back to the door, hitting her head on the doorframe on the way.

Clutching her forehead, Ali squints up to the woman who startled her, “I’ll be fine. I’m just having a rough day.” She adds a dazzling smile to bring her point home.

“Alright, well, my name is Marla and I work here,” she points to the diner. “If you’d like, you’re more than welcome to come in and clean up a bit. If not, here..” Marla says handing Ali a stack of napkins.

“Thanks, Marla. I think I’ll take you up on that offer, but I’ll keep these just in case.” Ali says clutching the napkins, putting them in her glove box before stepping carefully out of the car.

Ali followed Marla into the diner, “Bathroom’s that way” Marla said pointing to the back of the restaurant.

“Thanks” Ali said appreciatively, making her way to the bathroom.

Once Ali got into the bathroom, she locked the door and leans back against it. She let out three shaky breaths before she pushes herself off the door and made her way over to the sink. Looking down, she turns on the faucet. She is still so shaken up and unnerved from the day, she holds onto the sink for support. She looks at herself in the mirror and barely recognized herself. Her hair and makeup are a mess, her eyes are red and puffy, and she is very pale. The once tanned, happy girl she knew was gone and she looks like a ghost of her former self.

The sound of the running water pulls her from her thoughts. She cups her hands and splashes some cool water on her face. She hovers over the sink, letting the water wash over her and drip from her nose and chin. She cups her hands again bringing them up slower to her lips this time. She lets the water invade her mouth; she tilts her head back and swishes the water around. She leans back over the sink and spits the water out. She repeats this two more times before reaching over and grabbing some paper towels and blots her face dry.

Ali makes her way out of the bathroom, rounding the counter of the diner. She sees Marla behind the counter wiping it down.

“Feeling better, hun?” Marla asks.

“Yeah, a little. I just don’t know what to do…” Ali says, the last part a bit louder than she intended.

Marla quit wiping the counter and walks over to Ali, “Have a seat, you want water or a ginger ale? Something to help settle you stomach?”

“Uh, yeah, a ginger ale would be nice” Ali says taking a seat at the nearest barstool.

Marla nods her head once and turns her back, filling a glass with the drink. When she turns back around she notices Ali is crying again. This time the crying isn’t ragged and wrenching, but very calm. Tears just streaming down the brunette’s cheek, Ali not even caring that they’re there.

Marla slides the glass over to Ali and leans forward on the counter, “What ever could have a beauty like you so distraught?”

“My wife and I, we uh, we’re having trouble right now.” Ali says, not missing the slight smile that graces the face of the woman behind the counter.  “Yeah, wife…”

“Honey that’s fine by me. I’ve been with the same old lady for 40 years now. We finally got legally married 5 years ago. You should have seen my 90-year-old dad walking me down the isle. Crying like a baby!” Marla says beaming.

Ali smiles a real smile for the first time in a long time. She thinks about all the memories Marla must have. How she and Ashlyn could have those same memories. Of all the possibilities that are still ahead of them.

“Do you want to talk about it, hun?” Marla says sliding a piece of apple pie over to Ali. Ali picks up her fork not even realizing she’s hungry.

“We’ve been having trouble ever since we moved here 8 years ago. We are both professional soccer players. I picked her up from the airport in DC one day. I had just had a great weekend with my family and knew she had a tough one. It was a playoff game for our club team and I couldn’t make it because my dad was getting remarried. I was going to tell her I was offered a really great contract to play in Germany again. I had talked to them and told them that if I was going to go they needed to offer Ashlyn something too. We both played abroad in the past and absolutely loved it. We loved the anonymity of it all.” Ali stops for a moment to compose herself, taking a sip of her drink. “When I picked her up at the airport she told me she wanted to come play here, for the new Orlando team. Before I got a chance to tell her about my offer, she told me that she already accepted the spot. She had said she wanted me to come with her.” Ali wipes the tears still streaking down her face. The back of her sleeve soaked through.

“Honey…” Marla starts.

“No, let me finish. I need to tell someone this. I haven’t talked about it at all. Which is funny because I insisted that Ashlyn and I go to therapy. Which is where I’m coming from today, and she did all the talking. I just couldn’t bring myself to talk.” Ali says wiping her nose. “When she told me she already accepted a spot here I couldn’t believe she would make that big of a decision without talking to me. I was furious, but I was still in love with her so much. Of course I would follow her. The only problem was that Orlando had their allotment of defenders. So there was really no spot for me here.”

Ali twists her wedding band around her finger, smiling slightly at the memories it held. It had become her nervous tick over the past 7 years. Whenever she touched it, it made her feel closer to Ashlyn, even if they were oceans apart. “That night, after we were both exhausted from fighting, she came into our bedroom and grabbed her pillow to go sleep on the couch. Before she left the room though I grabbed her hand and asked her to marry me.” Ali says a bit more animated than she had been prior. “I think I really shocked her because I think she always thought she would be the one to propose.” She finishes chuckling lightly.

“She’s more in charge out of the two of you?” Marla asks laughing along.

“Oh no! I’m definitely in charge, but she’s just very chivalrous. She always makes me feel like a princess.” Ali says with sass back in her voice.

“Good girl” Marla says high fiving Ali.

There is a lull in their conversation, and after a few minutes Ali speaks up again, no emotion on her face, “Anyway, I followed her here. But it meant me giving up playing soccer.”

 


	4. Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it's been forever since I updated. I really lost the interest to write for a while. I hope to finish this story, because I absolutely hate when stories go unfinished.. but it may be a slow process. Thanks to those of you for keeping up with it!

Ali made it back to Miami later that night. She pulled into her mom's condo building parking garage and sat in her car. She knew going inside meant that she would have to talk to her mom. She knew the questions that were coming. She knew her mom wanted to know how counseling went. Her mother meant well, but she had a nack for not letting things go. Maybe that's where she got it from, Ali thinks. Not letting grudges go. The feelings she couldn't let go of.  

She gets out of her car, picking up her purse from the passenger seat and walks to the elevator doors. Her mind won't shut off. The brunette keeps thinking how absurd her mom is living in a high rise in a hurricane prone city. She waffles back and forth in her mind waiting for the elevator. Stepping in, she looks at all the buttons. She knows she should press 20 and just go upstairs and get the questions over with. She presses 2.  

Ali wanders out on the pool deck, looking out onto the ocean. The sun setting behind her and the Atlantic Ocean becoming less turquoise and more navy. There is a chill that comes in with the breeze and she wraps her arms tightly around herself. Looking out at the ocean used to calm her, but as she looks out she cries silently.  

She doesn’t know how long she is out there, but she feels a blanket being draped over her shoulders. Her mom coming to stand next to her, "Honey, it's getting late, you should come inside."  

The brunette looks to at her mom, and it's like looking in a mirror. She wonders if this was always meant to be her life, just like her mom. Getting married to someone who she knew she would love forever, only to end up getting a divorce. Or in Ali's case on the road leading there. Her mom was just her 30 years ahead.  

"I used to love the ocean. I used to think of the endless possibilities and power it held." The younger brunette began.  

Deb looked over at her distraught daughter, "And now?" 

"I feel so lonely and small when I look at it." Ali said, tears still streaking her cheeks.  

Her mom wrapped an arm around her shoulders, "Come on honey, let's go." 

The made their way upstairs, Ali shrugging off the blanket and throwing it over the back of the couch. "I'm going to go take a shower, it was a long ride home.." She trails off walking down the hallway towards the guest bathroom. Once she gets in the shower, she lets the hot water fall over her trembling body and she cries. 

__________________________________________________________________________ 

 

Ashlyn's drive home is much shorter than Ali's. She and Ali had bought a house on the beach, just east of Orlando. Ashlyn drives the hour home, parking her car in the driveway, half hoping Ali's car had found its way there too. Instead of her Alex, she sees Alex Morgan's convertible parked there. She makes her way through the front door and doesn't hear anyone. She looks around the house that seems far too big for her now. They had planned to have a family here, now the five bedrooms just taunted her.  

"Alex? You here?" Ashlyn calls out. Nothing.  

The blonde wanders through her own home feeling like she doesn’t belong.  

When she reaches the back of the house she sees Alex sitting on her patio, dirty blonde hair blowing in the breeze. She looks at her for a few more minutes. She knows why she's here. She's a good friend. An unexpected friend, but a good one. If you had told her that one day her best friend, besides her wife, would be high maintenance Alex Morgan, Ashlyn would have laughed in your face. The blondes mind slips back to her wife, her true best friend. That's what hurt the most about this. What do you do when the person you turn to, to talk about all of life's shit, is the one person you can't talk to right now?  

She slides the glass door open, welcoming the salt breeze that hits her face. "Hey" 

Alex turns to face her, "Hey. Thought you could use a friend or two today.." She pauses reaching down to the floor grabbing a bottle of Johnnie Walker and holds it up to her. "Me and good ol' Johnnie here are here for you!" She says with a drawn out southern accent.  

Ashlyn takes the bottle from her and looks at it. This is just what she doesn’t need, she knows that. She knows she can't drown her sorrows in a bottle. She learned that all too well from her dad, brother, and brother-in-law. That doesn’t stop her from going inside to grab two glasses though.  

She comes back out to the patio and gives Alex a glass, she pours the fingers of whiskey for each of them. Alex takes a slow sip, scrunching her face, not really drinking whiskey that often. The blonde on the other hand takes the full glass in one gulp, before pouring herself another.  

Alex looks at her with raised eyebrows, "That bad?" 

"I just don't know Alex.. I don't know why I made her move here. We had done long distance before. You and Serv made it work long distance for a while. We could have done it again. I don't know why I asked her to move here with me. She always loved soccer first, and me second. I guess that should have been my first clue.." The blonde says, tears threatening to spill out of her eyes.  

"Ash.. You can't believe that can you? You know she loves you with everything she has. Just as much as you love her. Even now. You're just going through a rough patch. It happens to all of us." Alex says, twirling the whiskey in her glass.  

Ashlyn takes another sip of hers, savoring it this time, before looking at Alex with 'go to hell' look.  

"Ok, maybe not ALL of us, but you know what I mean. I have been very fortunate with Serv, but that doesn’t mean it's been all rainbows and sunshine. Marriage is work. Love is work. The fact that you're going to counseling speaks volumes." 

"Not that that did any good. We didn’t say anything today. I know she thinks that this all started when we moved here. That we have been just going through the motions of life for seven years, but I know that’s not true. She was happy you know.. We were happy." Her thoughts trail off.  

Alex just looks at her knowingly. Putting her hand on Ashlyn's knee, giving it a slight squeeze. Silently telling her she didn’t have to continue. Tears now streaming down Ashlyn's face uncontrollably.  

This was the one thing Ali and Ashlyn never talk about. They never talk about losing their baby.  


	5. Home is Where the Heart Is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kind words. This chapter for is a flashback (italics) to seven years ago, which in the story is really present day (2016). If that makes sense.. Thank you all for reading!

Later that night, Ashlyn lays almost passed out on her back porch in a chaise lounge, glass dangling lightly from her hand. Alex had gone inside to use the bathroom to come back out to find her nearly asleep. She tries to take the glass from Ashlyn, but Ashlyn stops her hand. 

"We was happy..ya know? I just wanna make her happy.. I can't stay here...not in this house" 

Alex sits down on the chaise lounge opposite Ashlyn, looking at her friend with sad eyes. Wishing she could erase all the pain her friends have gone through the past few years.  

"Come on Ash, lets get you to my car. You can stay with Serv and I for a while." She says pulling the blonde up and dragging her to her car.  

______________________________________________________________________________ 

_7 Years Ago..._

_It was a beautiful day in Orlando, slightly breezy which meant the waves were good. All Ashlyn could think of was hitting the beach and catching a few waves. Instead, she was wandering the streets with a real estate agent, Linda, that could have been part of the Brady Bunch. She saw the look Linda gave her and Ali got when they got out of their car at the first apartment._

_"Oh...Hello. You must be Ali, and..Ash? When Ali called and said Ash would be joining her I just assumed Ash was a man. Anywho, this is the first apartment." She said flippantly, waving her arm as if the building were a prize on a game show._

_Both women look up at it, it was typical Florida. Pink stucco exterior with a tile roof. Ashlyn wrapped her arm around Ali's waste and leaned into her, "What do you think babe?"_

_The brunette looked up, it wasn’t exactly what she was expecting. It was only five stories tall and in a very suburban area. She put on a fake smile before turning to Ashlyn, "We will see. Let's go upstairs and look at it."_

_They go upstairs and the apartment is old. Everything about it is old, the kitchen, the bathroom, the walls, all old._

_"So what do you ladies think? This one has a real charm to it don't you think?" Linda gobbs._

_Ali give Ashlyn one look. The look says it all, "Linda, I don’t think this is the one. Let's keep looking."_

_That's how the whole day went. Fifteen apartments and none of them seemed to be right. Not new enough, not enough character, too much character, not a good view, too good of a view. The last one Ali argued that they couldn’t possibly get that one because it was too good to be true, there had to be a catch. You name it, Ali found a problem with it._

_"Thank you for your time, Linda. We will get back with you if we make a decision." Ali says politely. The three of them head for their respective cars, Ashlyn stopping Ali before she can get in._

_"Babe. What's up? Half of those would have been perfect for us!" Ashlyn asks wrapping her arms around the brunette, leaning them against the car._

_Ali looks away, anywhere but into the hazel eyes she has fallen in love with, "None of them felt like home." She knows she's being petty, but she can't help it._

_The blonde brings her hand up to Ali's face, guiding it so she looks at her. "Al, none of them are going to feel like home yet." She brings her hand down to Ali's bringing it back up to her chest. Placing her the brunettes hand over her heart. "Feel that? That's home. Wherever you want to physically live, that’s fine by me. My home is wherever you are." She ends by kissing the top of Ali's head, the brunette leaning her face into Ashlyn's neck._

_"What about the beach?" Ali says sheepishly, looking at the ground._

_"I fucking LOVE the beach!!" The blonde yells, startling passersby and Ali._

_Ali pulls back laughing at the outburst. "There's that smile I love."_

_Ashlyn pulls Ali off of the car enough to open the passenger door, allowing Ali to slip in. Ashlyn jogs around to the driver side and starts the car. "We'll call Linda in the morning and have her show us some properties on the beach?"_

_Ali slips her hand over Ashlyn's strong hand on the gear shift, "No babe. We will find another real estate agent. That bitch kept giving us the stink eye." Ali laughs as she says it._

_Ali never ceases to amaze Ashlyn. "Glad to know it wasn’t just me noticing that."_

_Over the next week they had gone to every little beach town east of Orlando looking for a house. On Thursday Ashlyn couldn’t go with Ali because she had a press meeting, trying to get more publicity to the new Orlando team._

_Ali's mom had driven up for the day to look at houses with her daughter. They had already seen two houses that day. Both were too 90's. The third house they came to was on a decent size piece of land. The house was tucked back in the trees a little, a winding road leading up to a decent size bungalow style house. The house was white with light blue trimming. Beachy, but elegant._

_Ali got out of the car, and went to the front of it, leaning on the hood to take in the house. Deb got out of the car and came to lean next to her daughter. "Well this isn't too shabby!" She said while bumping hips with daughter and raising her eyebrows as she follows the real estate agent into the house._

_Ali looks up over the house again, "No, no it isn't..." She mumbles to herself before following her mom._

_That night Ali tells Ashlyn all about the house. She tells her about the perfect living room with a wall of windows looking out to the ocean. About the beautiful white kitchen, the huge master bedroom with an amazing bathroom. She made sure to mention the huge soaking tub. She ended by telling her about the four spare bedrooms._

_"There are four spare bedrooms, hun. They're perfect for kids." Ali says talking as fast as she can. Most of it coming out as one long mumble that blends together. "There are two that have a Jack and Jill bathroom and then the other two have private bathrooms. We could obviously keep one for guests, but the other three could be kids. Well you know eventually. But if we are going to do this" she says flailing her arms about to insinuate she's talking about the entire life they plan to build together, "then I don't want to wait much longer. After the Olympics this coming summer, let's make a baby!"_

_The blonde tries to keep up with what Ali is saying, "That all sounds great babe, but we aren't even married yet. Shouldn't that happen before we do anything else? I know you want to have a big wedding with everyone you love there.."_

_"I do." The brunette chuckles at her own little joke. "The baby making process will be a bit longer since you know..no penis." She waves her hand down infront of Ashlyn's pants. "We can start looking at donors while we plan the wedding. What do you say? September 2016 to get married? Baby by June?" Ali says matter of factly._

_Ashlyn leans down to kiss her fiance, moaning when she feels Ali melt in her arms. "Sounds like we are buying a house..."_


	6. Harper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks in Italics. Thanks for reading!

As the weeks go by, it almost become routine for Ali and Ashlyn. They see each other on Thursdays and that is it. Thursdays are meant for counseling and then they spend the next week upset or angry with the other for things that happened during that singular hour.  

On this particular Thursday Ashlyn waiting to go into Dr. Evans office, it was five minutes until their appointment and no sign of Ali. A few minutes pass by and Dr. Evans comes out of her office looking down at a piece of paper, "Are yall ready?" She says without looking up.  

"Uh..Ali isn't here yet doc. Should get started without her? Or wait a few minutes? Today is kind of an important day.." Ashlyn says looking around, willing Ali to show up.  

As if the gods heard her, Ali comes busting through the door, "Sorry, sorry. I just had the worst morning and the traffic was terrible. Am I late? Of course I am, it's been that kind of day.." Ali rambles on not really speaking to anyone.  

Ashlyn makes her way over to Ali and places a comforting hand on her upper arm, "Hey, Al, calm down. Dr. Evans just came out here. You're not late, come on. Let's go in.." Ashlyn says moving her hand from Ali's arm to her back, guiding her into the office.  

Once everyone is situated, Dr. Evan on a chair facing Ali and Ashlyn who are on a couch, Dr. Evans begins talking, "So, Ashlyn mentioned today is important...? Do yall want to talk about that?"  

Ashlyn glances at Ali, who begins to tear up. Ashlyn grabs her hand, holding it tightly between both of hers. "Today is the 2 year anniversary of the day we lost our little girl, Harper." Ali says, trying to hold herself together.  

 

_6 Years Ago (September 2017)_  

_The girls had just come back from Rio after winning gold at the Olympic games. It was their one year wedding anniversary and the blonde had planned a special evening for her wife._  

_Ali had just come in from doing a local TV spot, and came into their house exhausted, "I don't know how you do that drive every week. It is not fun!!" The brunette lamented as she dropped her purse by the front door._  

_"Aw, come on babe,_ _it's not that bad!! And I'm usually not doing it at rush hour, so it only takes like_ _fo_ _rty_ _-five minutes_ _, not two hours." Ashlyn says with raised eyebrows_ _, looking down at her watch._  

_Ashlyn walks over to her wife and wraps her arms around her waist and pulls her in, "Well you can be as exhausted as you want tonight, but tomorrow I'm going to need you to be on you’re A game, because we have some pretty important things to do.." She says wiggling her eyebrows up and down._  

_Ali pulls back and playfully slaps Ashlyn on her chest, "_ _Stahhhp_ _it!!!" She says blushing and_ _bu_ _rying_ _her face in the blondes neck._  

_The blonde steps back,_ _feigning_ _hurt, "Oh what? Now you don’t want to have my baby? I'm hurt!"_ _Ashlyn says walking over to sit on the couch._  

_Ali looks at her in mock shock, and walks over to her. She sits next to her wife and places a hand on her face, cupping her cheek, "Babe, you know that’s not it. I want nothing more than to have little you's and little me's running around!!" She moves to straddle her wife, placing a leg on either side of Ashlyn's. Leaning down she captures her_ _wife's lips._  

_Ashlyn picks her wife up resulting in a squeal from Ali, "Well, I think we might need a little practice before we do the real thing tomorrow.." The blonde says kissing her wife, bringing them into their bedroom._  

 

"We had planned to get pregnant late summer/early fall of 2017, but I guess the universe had other plans for us", the blonde says still holding her wife's hand.  

Ali looks over at Ashlyn smiling, "We tried and tried and tried." She says chuckling. "We did everything we could possibly think of to have a pregnancy take, but it just didn’t work. We had a couple of false positives, but nothing for three years." The brunette says, trailing off towards the end.  

"We had found the perfect donor, he had features that resembled each of us. He had light eyes, dark hair, olive skin, dimples. He really seemed like the perfect guy." The blonde says, taking her hand back from holding Ali's, slowing drawing it into her own lap, wringing her hands together. "We knew that eventually he would be over willing to help us, that he would want to start his own family and not be a carefree twenty something anymore." Ashlyn finishes, feeling Ali place her hand on her thigh, squeezing lightly.  

"Three years of trying was nerve racking, it strained us, but we kept our hopes up because how could we not have a baby? We agreed on implanting one of Ash's eggs in me to align with my ovulation so that we wouldn’t know whose baby it really was. We would love them just the same no matter what. We knew that maybe it just wasn’t the right time. I quit playing soccer and got a job at an advertisement firm, finally putting that college degree to use.. " Ali says, lightly laughing at the memory of being 34 and starting a new career with a bunch of 22 year olds.  

"God that was awful!" The brunette says, full on laughing now. "They were just kids!!"  

The blonde looks over at her wife, laughing along with her at the memory, "Ali would come home every evening from work and tell me about the woes of being a twenty something in today's society, and I always had to remind her that she wasn’t a twenty something!! She always had stories from the day that simply amazed me. It may have been something she did that amazed me or something one of her coworkers did that was simply idiotic that amazed me." She says laughing. "One day, she came home and she was telling me how one of her coworkers came in wearing all pink, which knowing princess over here she was secretly jealous, but turns out they didn’t know how to do laundry and didn’t know sorting colors was a thing!!"  

Ali looks over at her wife, with a sudden serious face, "That was the best day of my life. I remember being so tired and getting home late. You were so annoyed that I was late for dinner, but then I told you that story and you began to ease up on me. Then I told you that it must have been a sign or something because I had gone to the doctor that day." She says with a smirk on her face, "When I told you that you got even more mad! I remember you started saying that I should have told you I was sick and all those things. Then I told you that I wasn’t sick, I was pregnant!" The brunette says with a tear running down her face.  

"I didn’t want to tell you until knew for sure. I had gone to the doctor that day and he confirmed what I thought. I was pregnant! We didn’t know it was a girl at that point, but I had a good feeling it would be. I just knew, she felt like a girl." Ali says squeeze Ashlyn's thigh even harder.  

Ashlyn places her hand over her wife's and continues, "It was our final try. It was the last...sample..we had from our donor. Nine months later, our little girl was born. Harper was born on April 14, 2021." She says smiling, although the smile did reach her eyes.  

Dr. Evans takes in all what the women have said, jotting down a few notes. "Ok, well I think we discussed a good bit today. Our time is almost up, do you want to go back and talk about anything?" Both women shake their head. "Given the meaning of today, I hope you both have a good afternoon."  

"Thanks doc" the blonde states as she gets up off the couch.  

"Thank you" Ali says, following her wife out of the room.  

When they reach the parking lot, they both head towards Ali's car. "Uh, Ash, your car is over there." She says pointing to her jeep across the parking lot.  

Ashlyn is looking down, her hands in her pockets. She is bouncing from the balls of her feet to her heals. "Will you go somewhere with me?" She says, looking like she was asking Ali on a first date. 

Ali looks down at her phone, checking her calendar, "Uh, yeah, I have some time. Where do you want to go?" The brunette says, but it goes unanswered as the blonde starts towards her car, leaving the brunette to follow.  

Ashlyn drives them down the winding roads of the suburbs of Orlando, neither of them saying anything until they finally arrive at a very familiar location.  

Reaching her hand across the center console, grabbing Ashlyns forearm, "Ash, I don’t want to be here."  

The blonde gets out of her car, coming around to open Ali's door, "Please? I just want to be a family today." She says extending a hand.  

Ali takes her hand, tears welling up in her eyes. The walk through the picturesque cemetery until they reach a small tombstone, covered in angels and cherubim. Ashlyn takes the bouquet of sunflowers and places them on the grave labeled: 

Harper Krieger-Harris 

April 14, 2021-August 17, 2021 

Beloved daughter and granddaughter 

Ashlyn kneels down, sitting back on her feet, "Hey baby, it's mama" the blonde begins.  

Ali loses control of the emotions she's tried to keep in check. Falling to her knees behind the blonde, putting her face on her wife's back, soaking her shirt with tears, whispering, "I miss you both so much".  

 


	7. I miss...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, where has time gone. Sorry for the long hiatus..New job, new city. Life..it gets in the way. Anyway, thanks for reading and for those that have stuck with this story!

After visiting Harper, Ashlyn had driven to a small coffee shop on the coast. The shop had an outdoor patio over the water. Ashlyn had remembered that the mix of freshly brewed coffee and salt water had been one of Ali's favorite parts of living so close to the ocean.  

They both get settled with their coffee, in a little corner table on the back patio. The evening sun setting behind them, casting a deep purple haze on the sky and water. Ali sits facing the water, her legs propped up on the railing and holding her cup of coffee with both hands under her nose.  

Ashlyn looks at her wife and can't help but still feel all the love she always has for the brunette. She's her best friend, her soul mate. They have been apart and Ashlyn realizes she has been lost without her other half. 

Looking back, Ashlyn realizes that it isn't the big things she misses, it's the tiny things. She misses the way Ali messes with her hair when she's nervous. She misses the way Ali smells slightly like orange blossom. She misses the way every morning when Ali wakes up she sneezes when she sees the sun. She misses the way Ali holds her coffee mug to her mouth without taking a sip, just taking in the soft caramel scent.  

"I miss you." The blonde says looking at Ali, as the brunette looks out at the ocean.  

Ali continues to look out on the water, a single tear rolls down her cheek, "Ash... don't do this.." 

Ashlyn puts her coffee down on the table and leans over to grab Ali's hand. "Are we really going to let 15 years together go? Because I think we are worth fighting for. Something horrible happened to us, and we both grieved in our own ways for two years. But now," her voice betraying her a little, "now we have talked about it. We have come together and gotten help. We still may not completely get each other and what the other is going through yet, but I miss you. I still love you," tears freely flowing at this point, "and I just want to come back home." She finishes with so much defeat in her voice.  

Ali pivots to face her slightly, "Ash..."   

"Al, listen. I know we both hurt each other the past two years. I do. But you're home. You've always been my home. I've done a lot of growing, personally, these last two years, but I will always need you. Don't make me go back to the apartment. Or even worse go back to that house alone. I just don’t think I can take it anymore." Ashlyn says pleading with her wife. 

"Ash, I can't go back to that house. There are too many memories there. Too many lost promises." Ali says looking down at her coffee.  

Ashlyn doesn’t hear a 'no' in there, so she takes this opportunity to get Ali to come back to Orlando with her. "Then come back to the apartment with me. I just need to be near you. We need to heal, together this time."  

Ali simply nods, tears streaking down her cheeks.  

Ashlyn smiles, the first real smile she's given in two years.  

They finish up their coffee in relative silence. As they make their way back to the car, Ali lags behind a little bit, "Give me a minute? I need to call my mom to tell her I won't be coming back tonight."  

Ashlyn nods, and makes her way to cool the car off.  

Ali pulls out her phone and dials her mom's number, "Hey honey, you on your way home?" Deb greets her daughter.  

"Uh..Funny you phrase it like that. I am actually." Ali says nervously. She had been so broken for what seemed like forever, she's scared to feel hopeful about her relationship with Ashlyn. "I'm not coming to Miami tonight...I'm actually, uh, going to stay with Ashlyn at the apartment in the city." She says so quick it all runs together.  

"Oh. Well, that’s..good? Right? Are you comfortable with that?" Her mom asks, always looking out for her best interest.  

"I think so. I think it'll be good for us both. Especially today. We need each other, we are the only ones who know how the other feels."  

"Ok..well..If you're sure. I love you. I'll talk to you tomorrow?" Deb says, still skeptical.  

"I am. I love you too mom. Yeah, talk to you tomorrow." Ali said as she hung up the phone. She made her way over to the car and got in the passenger seat.  

Ashlyn looked at her expectantly, raising her eyebrows as if to say 'sooo?'. Ali placed her hand over Ashlyns, "Let's go home." 

When they got to the apartment it was already pretty late, so they decided to go to bed. Ali went into the bedroom and started to grab a t-shirt from the dresser, but noticed Ashlyn in the doorway. "You coming to bed?"  

Ashlyn just stood there, looking down at her feet. It never ceased to amaze Ali how her ever so confident wife could be the biggest pile of mush around her sometimes. "I, um, can I? I mean, I know I said that I wanted to come home and that home was you and that all this is moving kind of fast again but I just.."  

"Stop, gosh, take a breath." Ali interrupted Ashlyn's rambling. Ali went over to her wife and grabbed her hand and led her to the bed. They were standing face to face and Ali slowly let her hands slide down Ashlyns strong arms. She had missed the way her wife's arm hair would stand anytime she touched her. She slowly unbuttoned Ashlyns jeans and slid them down her body.  

"Alex, I don’t really think this is the time..." The blonde began fumbling out.  

"Shh. Just lay with me. Hold me." Ali stated laying down on her side of the bed.  

Ashlyn assumed her position behind the brunette, wrapping her arm around Ali's waist, making Ali giggle slightly as she brushed her ribs, always the ticklish one.  

"I miss the way she would laugh until she got the hiccups, especially if you tickled her sides" Ali muses.  

"I miss the way she would start to get upset, and stick her little lip out so far it would get stuck. Then if you made the same face back at her she would crack up into a fit of giggles." Ashlyn says into her wife's hair.  

"I miss the way she smelled." 

"I miss the way the way her little dimples came out anytime either one of us entered the room." 

"I miss the way she would try to turn over, but get stuck with her arms under herself, and not be able to figure out what was going on." 

"I miss the way she was like an owl, anytime something caught her attention she would try to turn her head so quickly it was like her head was going to turn all the way round." 

"I miss the way she made me feel." 

"I miss the way you were with her." 

"I miss her."  

 


	8. so natural

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know it's been a while.. but I had serious qualms with continuing this given the real life events that have gone on in the real peoples lives this involves. However, this isn't their story. It's my life story (dramatized), but it's mine. This is a sort of therapy for me and they are just characters that fit the mold. Bits of the story are changed to fit: Ali in Germany, them playing soccer, those kinds of things.... Anywho..Thanks for reading! Past=Italics

The sun peeking through the blinds wakes Ashlyn up. The body pressed against her makers her go rigid, closing her eyes quickly. The smell of orange blossoms calms her. Ali. 

She opens one eye, taking a look down at the brown hair strewn across her chest. The feeling of her wife half on top of her had become such a foreign feeling, she almost forgot how perfect the fit together. Craning her neck up, Ashlyn looks down over Ali as she continue to sleep peacefully, burrowing her face further into the blondes neck.  

It feels so natural, being this close. Ashlyn thinks back to when she went to visit Ali in Germany the first time.  

 

_Spring 2011_  

_Ashlyn steps out of the cab, wrapping her coat tighter around her as the cool wind hits her face. "C_ _ome in April, Ashlyn. It's warm, Ashlyn." She mocks Ali's voice, remembering what the brunette had told her when they talked about_ _planning_ _the trip._  

_She slings her backpack over her shoulder and grabs her suitcase, making her way into Ali's building. Looking around she doesn’t notice an elevator, so she grabs her bags and trudges her way up to the fourth floor. A delicious smells is getting stronger with the floors she climbs. The smell becoming strongest when she reaches Ali's apartment._ _She stands outside Ali's door, running her hands through her hair and over her shirt. The blonde had never been so nervous because of a girl before, but Ali brought something out in her._  

_She brings her hand up to knock, and barely gets one knock in when the door is flung open and there before her is the most beautiful woman in the_ _world, her best friend, the love of her life. Ali, still with one hand holding the door open, looks at the blonde with a_ _mischievous and knowing_ _smirk._  

_The blonde narrows her eyes, "_ _Did you know you're on the fourth floor of a WALK UP? Also, April, NOT warm." She says making her way past Ali, who's since closed the door and turned around to lean on it, still with a smirk on her face._  

_"Ok, what? That smirk..." Ashlyn asks, hands on her hip, as_ _she walks over to the brunette._  

_"I heard your cab door close, so I was going to meet you downstairs, but I looked out the window and you were already on your way up so I just waited, then by the time I knew it would take the elevator to get up here, ya, there IS an elevator, it's just behind a regular looking door, and so when you weren't up here,_ _I figured I would just wait, then I was looking out the_ _peep_ _hole_ _waiting for you, and I saw you get all fidgety and comb through your hair. It was honestly the most adorable thing I have ever seen." Ali rambles out._  

_All Ashlyn hears is that Ali thinks she's cute. She looks at Ali and she is still smirking, so the blonde quickly looks down. She never thought Ali would think she's cute._  

_"Uh, oh. Well, where can I put my bags?" Ashlyn asks, changing the subject._  

_"In my room. I only have a one bedroom, so I'll sleep on the couch." Ali says grabbing your suitcase and walking to a door off the living room._  

_"That's not necessary,_ _Al._ _I can sleep on the couch. I don’t have training or anything this week.."_  

_"Ash, you're my guest.."_  

_"Al.."_  

_Ali looks back at you, then shrugs her shoulders, "Whatever you say.."_  

_The brunette brings the suitcase back into the living room, setting it next to the couch._  

_The blonde looks around, noticing all the pictures scattered throughout the apartment. Her parents. Kyle. Her friends growing up. Ashlyn. A picture she didn’t even know existed. The blonde picks it up_ _. She remembers that day. It was the day she admitted to herself that she was falling for Ali._ _In the photo, the blonde is leaning against the goal post, one arm up, propping her head up, the other resting on her hip. Nothing but pure love in her eyes._  

_She doesn’t notice Ali come up behind her, "That was from our first camp together.."_  

_The blonde turns around, still holding the picture,_ _"How?"_  

_"I'm friends with the team photographer, Brad." She says mumbling, wringing her hands._ _"He had some B roll photos.. We talk about photography sometimes.. He lets me see all his photos, not just the ones he posts."_  

_It's now Ali's turn to be nervous. She hadn't given a second thought to it when she put the picture up, but now she was regretting not thinking about hiding it for the blondes visit._  

_"So, I cooked dinner.." Ali mentions, gesturing over her shoulder to the kitchen. "I figured you'd be hungry and since it's kind of lunch time for your body."_  

_Ashlyn follows Ali into the kitchen. It's small, so Ashlyn takes a seat at the two top table that’s off to the end. Ali brings her a glass of water and a plate of food._  

_"Smells delicious. I_ _didn't know you could cook, chef." The blonde says playfully._  

_Ali laughs, and shrugs her response,_ _"I took a class when I first moved here. It was a good way to immerse myself in the culture."_  

_The rest of the dinner is eaten in comfortable silence or just little tid bits_ _here and there. After they eat, they spend time catching up. All things that they already knew about each other, but it was nice to hear the other tell it._  

_After cleaning up dinner, Ashlyn showers and then gets ready for bed. Ali had made up the couch for her while she was in the shower._  

_"Alright, well goodnight. If you need anything, find it yourself.." The brunette jokes, squeezing Ashlyn's bicep gently_ _, getting off her makeshift bed._  

_"Ha, such the gracious hostess._ _Night,_ _Al._ _" Ashlyn stands up, pulling the brunette into a hug. "I'm really glad we planned this. I missed you."_  

_Ashlyn sits back down, sets her watch on the coffee table_ _in front_ _of her. She lays down, willing herself to sleep._  

_Five hours later, Ashlyn is staring at her watch. The seconds tick by, and she_ _can't stand that her bladder has betrayed her. She looks at her watch, 3:43. She_ _contemplates if she can hold it until morning or not, finally deciding on not. She hates that Ali's bathroom is through her bedroom._  

_She creeks open Ali's bedroom door and makes it to the bathroom without waking the brunette. She comes back out of the bathroom, and is making her way back to the living room when she hears a faint 'Ash' that stops her dead in her tracks._  

_Looking back at the bed, making sure she actually heard something, she sees Ali sitting up slightly on her elbow, "Come sleep in here, I know how uncomfortable that couch can be.."_  

_"Oh, no, I just had to use the restroom..Really the couch is fine." The blonde makes her way to the door and is about to open it when she feels a hand on her forearm, turning her around._  

_"Come to bed, Ashlyn." Ali says earnestly._  

_"Ok"_  

_The blonde makes her way to the unoccupied side of the bed and feels the bed shift as Ali slides in._  

_Both women stare up at the ceiling, laying flat on their backs for a few minutes._  

_"I broke up with Peter." Ali says, breaking the silence._  

_"Al, I'm so sorry. I know.." Ashlyn begins but is quickly cut off by Ali, "Don't be, I'm not." She says simply and turns over onto her side wrapping an arm around Ashlyn, nuzzeling into her side._  

 

Ever since that night, if they were in the same location, they were in the same bed. Waking up this morning, the blonde was brought right back to every other morning waking up to Ali.  

She takes her hand and gently brushes some strands of hair out of the brunettes face. The action causes Ali to stir, "Hey.."  

 

  


	9. learning to love again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for continuing to read and comment. As always, past in italics!

The following Thursday, Ali and Ashlyn arrive at Dr. Evans office together. They walk in, greet Morgan, the receptionist, and take a seat on the couch together. They idly chat about small things going on when Dr. Evans walks opens the door to her office, looking surprised to see them sitting and talking so cordially.   

"Ali. Ashlyn. Nice to see you both." She says holding the door open, gesturing for them come in.  

"Good afternoon, Dr. Evans" Ali greets the doctor, moving past her to go and sit on the sofa.  

Ashlyn follows Ali, nodding and smiling at Dr. Evans as she passes.  

Dr. Evans goes to sit in the chair across from them, crossing her legs, and leaning forward slightly, "So, who's going to tell me?" 

Ali and Ashlyn both look at each other, silently asking the other who's going to talk. Ashlyn lightly pats Ali's leg, telling her that she would talk. 

"Well, as you know, last week was really hard for us. That week is always hard, but having to come here, hell, just getting out of the house on the day she passed, was unbearable. I was struggling last week, but having Ali there helped. After we were done here I asked her to go somewhere with me. I knew if I told her where we were going she wouldn’t have gone." Ashlyn says looking over at Ali.  

"She's right, I wouldn't have", Ali interjects.  

"Anyway, I don’t tell her, and we go to visit Harper. I needed my family to be all together. I feel like I hadn't felt whole in such a long time, but being with Ali and Harper, while it was absolutely gut wrenching, I felt whole." Ashlyn concludes, taking Ali's hand and holding it in her lap.  

"After she tricked me into going to see Harper, I didn’t want to get out of the car, but I did. Ashlyn knelt down and started talking to Harper like she was there, telling her about what had happened that week, and then she said 'And mommy's here too today', and I broke down. I realized just how much I was avoiding things, avoiding her. It was just easier to not deal with anything related to Harper than face the feelings attached to her." Ali said, wiping a single tear that ran down her cheek. Ashlyn squeezed her hand, gently urging her to continue.  

Dr. Evans nods, "That’s really great that you realized that Ali. Loss of any kind is anguish, but the death of a child, that's next level. Parent's aren't supposed to bury their babies." 

Ali leans forward to the coffee table and grabs some tissue, dabs her eyes, and continues, "When we left the cemetery, we went to get coffee and we talked. Long story short, we went back to the apartment that night, both of us. And we have been living together again for the past week." 

Dr. Evans eyes get as wide as saucers, "Really? I had expected it to be just that you were talking more, testing the waters a bit more, but living together again? That’s great!"  

"It is great. For the most part.." Ashlyn smiles shyly over at her wife.  

"It's really good that we have a two bedroom apartment. I'm not ready to just jump back into being married. There is a lot of things we still need to discuss and relearn about each other." 

"Ashlyn, do you agree with that?" Dr. Evans asks. 

"I agree, but I would really like to sleep with my wife." 

"Ashlyn!!" Ali scolds, covering her face.  

"Not like that! I mean, yes like that." She says rubbing Ali's thigh, "But I meant actually sleep. In the same bed." 

"The first night, we fell asleep in the same bed, we had talked about Harper and then we both just drifted to sleep.." Ashlyn says nonchalantly.  

"And then..." Ali says urging her on. 

Ashlyn rolls her eyes, continuing, "And then, in the morning I woke up first and maybe I was copping a feel. Can't blame me, can you doc?" She says shrugging.  

"I'm not going to comment on that. You're both beautiful, but let's keep this professional." Dr. Evans says chuckeling.  

There's a moment of silence, Ashlyn thinking Ali will continue on to how that morning went, but she doesn't. Ali thinking they will leave it with Ashlyn at fault.  

Ashlyn looks at Ali expectantly, "And then...." 

Ali rolls her eyes, "And then I freaked out." 

 

_One week prior_

_Ali wakes up to Ashlyn's front pressed firmly against her back. A strong arm wrapped around her waist, and a firm grasp on her right breast._

_"Hey.." She let's out groggily._

_"Hi.." Ashlyn says brushing some of the brunettes hair behind her ear._

_Once Ali comes to, she realizes the compromising position they are in. She jumps out of bed, and rushes into the bathroom._

_Ashlyn, a bit taken aback, gets up and goes to the bathroom door, "Ali, you ok?" She asks through the door. She can hear the faucet running and isn't sure if it is the sink or the shower._

_"Yeah, I just really had to go to the bathroom," Ali yells back through the door._

_Ashlyn takes her at her word and gets up and goes into the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast. She plans to make pancakes, so she gets out all her ingredients and gets to making them. Once the last pancake is flipped out onto the plate, she notices Ali is still not out yet, so she goes back into the bedroom to see what was going on._

_Looking around she sees that Ali hasn’t even come out of the bathroom yet. She goes back over to the door and knocks gently, "Al, you ok?"_

_No response._

_"Al? Please just answer me or I am coming in." Ashlyn says, concerned now._

_No response._

_Opening the door, Ashlyn sees the brunette sitting on the toilet, lid down, with her head between her legs. Rushing over to her, she kneels down beside her and pushes the mop of brown hair to the side, "Ali, honey, are you ok?"_

_"Panic. Attack." Ali gasps between breaths._

_"What do you need?" The blonde asks._

_"Just. Space."_

_Ashlyn gets up off the floor and goes back into the kitchen, pancakes forgotten, she sits at the kitchen table wondering when Ali began having panic attacks._

_A little while later, Ali comes out of the bathroom, makes her way into the kitchen and grabs a glass of water. She downs the first glass and fills it up again. Taking a few slower sips, she turns and goes to sit at the table with Ashlyn._

_Ali can see the concern on Ashlyn's face, "They started after Harper.."_

_"Why didn’t you tell me?"_

_"I knew how to control them, I used to get them in college sometimes, after my injury. I think it's about a lack of control. I couldn’t control my body back then. I couldn’t control what happened to Harper. Then, this morning I woke up, after not being in a bed with someone for so long, and you were touching me, and I wasn’t in control. I'm sorry." She says ashamed that she freaked out when her wife touched her._

_"No, we haven't slept in the same bed in a long time, I'm sorry. I just assumed.." The blonde started, running a hand through her hair. She didn’t even realize how the simple act could have affected her wife._

_Ali looks up, shaking her head, "No, you shouldn’t be sorry. Maybe this was a mistake. I should just go back and stay with my mom. This was too much, yesterday was just overwhelming." She says, starting to get up from the table._

_The blonde stands up too, going to stand in front of Ali hesitantly taking her hands, "No, please, stay. I can sleep in the guest bedroom. Or you can, if you want a change of scenery, but please, please stay."_

_Ali looks down at their hands clasped together, "Ok."_

 

"Well, I think you both are actually doing really well. It may have taken you a while to get here, but you are both healing. In your own ways. Now, I'm going to give you homework." Dr. Evans says standing up.  

"Ugh, I did not sign up for homework with this." The blonde says sarcastically as she and Ali stand up too.  

Opening her office door, Dr. Evans pats Ashlyn on the shoulder, shooing her out, "Go home. Talk to each other. Learn to love each other again." 


End file.
